Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Whither a Hero?

I’m worried about Switters. He was only up to trough for 5 beers last night and it might have killed him. Where was his post-game wrap up of the New Orleans Bowl?

Did he check his Miller Lite cans for evidence of botulism before he drank? Did he mightily exceed his 5 beer pledge in jubilation over the commencement of bowl season and wander off zombie-drunk with a 5% BAC to die in some Ohio rubber town back alley? Was he roofied and molested and left bound to a chair with a rolled-up gym sock in his mouth and tiny clips holding open his eyes to a TV showing nothing but Sonny and Cher Christmas Special reruns?

If you kidnapped Switters and are holding him for ransom, I can tell you now he’s not worth much. In fact he owes me money. So whatever cash you get for him, you’ll have to earmark me a percentage. Substantial, baby.

Or you could just release him, because he’s behind the eight ball on his bowl reviews. It’s GMAC time tonight featuring Switter's hometown Toledo Rockets and the Miners of the University of Texas El Paso.

Knowing only that disgraced former Wazzu and Alabama Coach Mike Price, a pasty white Whack-A-Mole with a penchant for strippers, has popped up in El Paso to revive his career, I like UTEP. They're feisty and they carry pick-axes on the sidelines. That's intimidating.

They also have Carson Palmer's underachieving younger brother, Jordan Palmer, who promises to "go crazy for this bowl."

The matchup has all the makings of a shootout, so I'll take UTEP 55 to 42 over the Rockets.

I guess we'll have to wait and see what Switters has to say if/when he resurfaces.

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