Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Model of Bravery

We should all be so committed to self-improvement this Bowl Season as my penpal Switters. While the merits of his pledge to watch every single bowl game are obvious, I have to point out that, like any resolution worth fighting for, Switters' is not without its share of obstacles and suffering: namely, the 5 beer per bowl game promise.

This is a Man-sized promise calling for like 140 beers in a little over two weeks time in addition to the already rigorous holiday drinking load. Sure, on the surface 10 beers a day seems doable, but a close examination of the bowl schedule reveals some land mines. On December 30, for example, Switters will stare down 4, count 'em 4, games and 20 beers between noon and 7:30 p.m. eastern time. Simple math says, hey, that's less than 3 beers an hour, but then that's 7 straight hours at that rate. I'm taking bets on Switter's trips to the toilet and setting the over/under at 46.

But that's just the tune-up for January 2, 2006, the day Switters will be climbing the legendary Beer Mountain, with six bowl games and 30 foaming froth dogs to put down on the way. Fortunately, he'll get an early start with simultaneous games beginning at 11am, followed by another set at the 12:30 - 1 pm slot. If he's over the 20 beer hump by 4:30 and still alert, I give him good odds to ride out the evening schedule in style with a 10 beer buzz ushering him off to the land of nod shortly after West Virginia upsets Georgia in the Sugar Bowl.

Technique and preparation will be absolutely essential to Switters' success and I would suggest a suprapubic sports catheter as a necessary piece of hardware for the journey ahead. Needless to say I am eagerly anticipating reports on your progress.


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