Friday, December 16, 2005

The Toilet Bowl

Jesus Christ, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl !!?!?!?!

Who gives a fuck?

It's time to face the facts when we think about College Bowl season. By and large, most of these games are little more than advertising gimmicks for the random, lame-ass companies that feel compelled to partake of the American sports marketing frenzy. Sadly at any competitive level, that is all sports is anymore. Vast sums of money are exchanged in a traditional, capitalist love-triangle of exploitationists. The players: NCAA conferences; the media; and corporate America.

Still, how is it worth it? What good is going to come for the San Diego County Credit Union to have some thinly-viewed national tv airtime and a football field 2/3 full with Navy servicemen (who have their own Credit Union, thank you very much) and a few Coloradoans who probably do their banking in *Colorado*?

All of which is to say that I whole-heartedly support a playoff system. I think the movement is gaining steam because what the market wants, and the market wants, the market gets. And as Switter's said it's true the two systems are not mutually exclusive. They would be competitive though, and I think a real playoff would eventually be a mercy kill the irrelevant bowls or at least severely dim their luster much like the NCAA Tournament has done to the NIT in basketball.

Except for this one that I'm proposing now: The Toilet Bowl. This would pit the two worst teams in I-A ball against each other to determine once and for all who is the crappiest team in the land. And here's the twist, the loser gets the bigger payout -- in theory a shot in the arm for the program. Thinking about a new practice facility to turn around your shitty team, University of Buffalo? Easy, just lose in the Toilet Bowl, and presto, bowl payment where none was likely before. It's kind of like winning the lottery, only more entertaining to watch. You could even throw in a pathetic halftime show like the world's bendiest kid,or the Regurgitator, both of whom I have witnessed and both of whom unapologetically suck.

This year, if we were to stage this bowlgame, the selection process would be simple. Two teams emerge at the bottom of the list.

Giving up 42.5 points per contest while only scoring 9.7, Temple played as an independent this year and finished 0-11 playing mostly ACC teams.

Meanwhile, out of the WAC, New Mexico State played one team in the Top 25 and went a mighty 0-12.

Let's pit this pair of desperate programs and see what corporation wouldn't want to slap it's name on the Toilet Bowl! I can see it now, the Bemis Flushables and Secretory Hygiene Toilet Bowl. Bring on the suck!


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darthvader said...

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